My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
