Betty ford says i'm here all night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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