I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
