So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He better not be in your backpack
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
