I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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