Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
