last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
