my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
