just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
