Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
