Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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