Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
