captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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