Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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