I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
