also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
