wakey wakey hands off snakey
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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