i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
