Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
