It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
