I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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