I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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