You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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