Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
