I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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