i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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