Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
