I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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