I think my vagina is haunted
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
