I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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