You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
