Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My breasts were aching with rage.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
