you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
