Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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