Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
