So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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