So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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