Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I am one with the molecules
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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