I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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