If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
