Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
