Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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