i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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