there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
