Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
