I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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