We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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