it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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