I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
