and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
