I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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