i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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