Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
