I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
