You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
