is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
