when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
